BEANERY ONLINE LITERARY MAGAZINE
SANTAS, MRS. SANTAS, ELF and REINDEER WANTED: Please apply
SANTAS CLAUS’S WANTED—also MRS. SANTA CLAUS’S, ELVES AND REINDEER—IMMEDIATELY!!!—applications being accepted, from around the world, for the 2008 Christmas season. Please submit your resume’ immediately to: email@example.com (with the words SANTA APPLICATION, MRS. CLAUS APPLICATION, ELF APPLICATION or DEER APPLICATION in the subject line!
December 10, 2008
111 Single Street. Available,
South Pole 77133
Director of Human Resources
North Pole International
777 Candy Cane Lane
North, Pole Universal 11111.
I am writing in regards to your advertisement in the Christmas Classifieds regarding the position of assistant to Santa. My objective is to anchor a permanent position with a bearded, jolly man who enjoys children and speaking in elfish. I have twenty-six years experience in multi-tasking with children, wrapping gifts, falling asleep under the tree among packages and bows.
I once was asked to attend an elementary Christmas function with a young man by the name of Nathan. He was a favorite of mine and his classmates were glad to see me when I walked in with my gray bun, glasses, rosy cheeks (the ones on my face), my Christmas apron with poinsettas and holly berries appliqued onto the pockets, and my green Christmas stockings.
Most of the superficial Santas I met that season really liked my green nylons. I suppose that bonus might fall under the benefits package for Santa.
I have been known to stay up late deleting and eating cookies. I am fluent in Christmas song and good cheer. I enjoy decorating and sitting by a warm fire roasting marshmallows and drinking hot chocolate and I don’t mind staying up late when I know it is for a good CLAUS. I am familiar with noel spreadsheet, snowball office XP, and am able to navigate the sled hard drive quite comfortably.
I am more than interested and quite certain that I would be an asset to you personally and I would like to become a vital member of your merry family. Will it be convenient to meet you and talk to you further about the position? If you wanna take a sleigh ride… For further questions you may email me at Mrs.Clauswannabe@southpole.com. I look forward to meeting you.